why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
