I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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