Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
