We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
