You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
