This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
