I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
