My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
