He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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