Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
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