I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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