I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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