he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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