I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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