Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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