I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
