All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
