my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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