Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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