My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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