I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
