I got chris browned last night
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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