I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All I want is dick and wine.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
