Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize