When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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