Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
