Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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