Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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