A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
