Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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