Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
