how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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