So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
