the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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