Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
