Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
