I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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