He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize