Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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