Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
