Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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