I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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