Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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