You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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