no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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