Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
