he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
