i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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