Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
