So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
