If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
