remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
