I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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