Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
