Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize