Quick, to the slutcave!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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