nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
