You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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