I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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