i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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