Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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